I wanted to share something that I wrote when I was in a bad place a while ago. I think it is important to try and understand how people feel when they are not at their best moment, for any reason. Chronic pain and anxiety for me, depression for others, and the countless illnesses, visible and invisible.
The reality of anxiety. Of fatigue. No not that kind of fatigue, of pure physical and emotional tiredness. In every way imaginable.
I’m so scared about university. My last year at college is haunting me. The headaches, the neck pain, the mental pain, the questions I have about the future, the drugs that make me feel sick, the panic.
What if I can’t cope? What if I fail at university, in education? I cannot sit and concentrate or feel okay. I feel lazy, I feel stupid, I feel like I am just making excuses for myself. Because half the time I’m fine. (Well, that is what I like to tell myself)
I feel like two different people. My body, my mind.
When things get bad, I stop taking the drugs I need to feel well. Then I enter a downwards spiral of distress, of the most incredible stress, of pain, yet I find it so hard to pick up the cure.
I don’t want to take the drugs. I’ve taken them for years. They help, but they don’t fix me. They’ll never cure the countless moments in my life where I wished I wasn’t here, where I was scared, where I was alone and nobody understood me.
They won’t cure the fact that I can’t breathe properly even on the best of days. They won’t cure what I look like and the fact I can’t play sports like everyone else.
I’m so scared about how to even exercise. I hate it, I try so hard and then something happens, then I throttle myself so hard when I land myself in the hole I can’t dig out of again and again.
I’m scared. I’m seriously scared. What if everyone hates me? What if I am actually a bad person like some people tell me? What if something happens to me? What if I get kidnapped, get raped? What if I have a panic attack and want to go home? What if I ruin my life because I am not in the safety of my home?
Constant thoughts, these rush through my head. All night. Can’t breathe. Can’t explain. Why do you keep changing your mind? Can’t tell you. Can’t choose. I have no idea what I should do I’m so many situations. Such simple situations. I look so calm and excited. But I really am having an incredibly hard moment and I feel so lost. I just want to be at home where although no stress, anxiety or breathing restrictions change, I feel safe. With things that love me.
Welcome to anxiety and chronic illness.
If you have been affected by this piece, or know someone who is going through a difficult time, you can find a host of resources and support below: